


Lose | Let Go

by Frozenleaf



Series: BedeHop Tumblr Prompts [2]
Category: Pocket Monsters: Sword & Shield | Pokemon Sword & Shield Versions
Genre: Angst with Happy Ending?, Angst?, M/M, Tumblr Prompts, crossposting from tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-22 22:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frozenleaf/pseuds/Frozenleaf
Summary: It's easier to let go of happiness before you actually have enough of it to lose, isn't it?
Relationships: Beet | Bede/Hop
Series: BedeHop Tumblr Prompts [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653010
Comments: 4
Kudos: 84





	Lose | Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> uploading to actually archive this somewhere easier to find. Original prompt was “We can’t do this.. anymore…you deserve someone better than me.” like wow the angst

Bede knows what it's like to love and lose someone. First, his parents- his memories of them faded like an aged photograph exposed to air for far too long. Secondly, Rose, whose betrayal cut so deep that even now he can't even think of the man without his gut clenching in nausea.

And even though he's not _nothing_ now, even though he's the Gym Leader of Ballonlea, someone that Opal named her heir, there's always a nagging feeling that he's disposable. Someone, that, eventually, the people he loves will cast aside.

Someone that golden eyes will eventually stare through instead of _at_ , someone that warm, callused hands will eventually refuse to touch.

The first time is a mistake. Born from deep yearning, reckless desires. When Hop smiles at him, warm and accepting and full of joy, he acts on feelings that stir in his gut, leaving them both breathless in the aftermath.

The second time is an indulgence. Exploration and testing and taking time to enjoy the moment, the pleasure of each other's company. Warm and kind and feeding the part of him that yearns for this, the part of him that's silly and foolish but so hard to suppress when a kiss is all it takes to make him undone.

The third time is intimate. Deep with understanding, with mutual purpose and desire. It sinks deep into his core when Hop holds him close, when he breathes 'I love you' into his ear, evoking a strange sensation that tugs at his chest and Bede realizes...

He has to stop this now. Before it gets too far, and he's hurt all over again.

So he waits until Hop is up and about, brushing his hair and pulling on his jacket. There's that warm smile, that dimple on his cheek. Hop turns to him, about to bid him a warm goodbye, like he always does.

Bede says, "We can't do this anymore."

First, confusion. A frown, half-formed words dying on Hop's lips.

Bede straightens his back. Holds himself with all the pride he can muster. "You deserve someone better than me."

Understanding dawns painfully slow. The frown deepens, and finally, Hop forces out, "What?"

Bede bites down on the part of himself that wants to snap and yell and throw a tantrum because that's not how he should act. He's not being abandoned this time- he's the one in control.

So why does it feel like he's losing it, all over again?

"You heard me." Bede shifts his head, refuses to look at how those golden eyes break. "This was a fun dalliance, but that's all it is."

A stunned silence echoes through the room. Then Hop says, lowly, "Is this because of what I said?"

_I love you._ The words still echo in his head, a barb digging ever deeper into his heart.

He breathes. Repeats, "You deserve better, Hop. Better than me."

Hop's still. His breath is erratic, echoing in time to the beat of Bede's heart. He doesn't dare meet his face, doesn't dare see the hurt and accusation in his eyes.

Knows what betrayal must feel like, because he's been there before.

Then a roar rips through the room: "What could possibly make you _think_ that?"

Bede's gaze snaps front, back to Hop, and immediately he regrets it. Familiar pain shines through those golden depths. Pain he remembers glimpsing, when Hop is 15 and he loses to Bede in battle, pain that Bede never wanted him to feel again-

"Stop it," Bede bites out. "This- this wasn't much of anything. We're not even that close-"

"Do you _really_ think that?" Hop's fist are clenched tight to his side.

_Yes. No._ He sees a mirror of himself in Hop- someone who had to lose everything, and build himself better. Stronger. He sees a pain in the other boy, one that he empathizes with. Maybe it's why he let himself indulge in their friendship. In their more than friendship.

But Hop was better. He became better by himself, was able to impress the legendary Pokemon by himself. Was capable of so much more than just loving _him_ , broken inside and unable to give him the love and care that he deserved.

Hop now stares at him, heartbreak in his eyes and anguish in his voice.

"Answer me, Bede."

"I..." The thoughts swirl, but the words do not form. Not when he knows that what he wants to say will drive a knife through Hop's heart, as if he was the boy that destroyed him all over again.

Hoarsely, he whispers, "I can't give you what you want."

He isn't sure what he expects. Maybe Hop will fling his weak excuse back in his face and storm out, just like Bede wants. Maybe Hop will accept the truth and fade out of his life.

He doesn't expect understanding. Doesn't expect to be pulled close into a fleece jacket, to have his head buried in between the crook of Hop's neck and shoulder, the comforting scent of sunlight and Postwick fields filling his nostrils.

"That's dung," Hop declares. "Bede- you- you can't honestly believe that."

"Why not?" he forces out. Now that he can't see his face, the words rush out. "Wouldn't you rather be with someone like Gloria? Someone who can give you all the affection you deserve-"

"It's not about what I deserve, dammit." Hops arms tighten around him. "It's about what I _want_. And I want to be with _you_ , wool-for-brains."

"Is that supposed to be an insult?"

"It's supposed to mean ' _no, I'm not dumping you, Bede'_." Hop pulls away, just enough so that Bede can see his face. Up close, his golden eyes are bright and wet with tears and a pang echoes through Bede's chest as he realizes how _hurt_ Hop must be and yet, he chuckles, wiping a thumb across Bede's cheek.

And Bede realizes- he's been crying, too.

"You're an idiot," he whispers.

"I know," Hop says. "If anything, I thought... maybe _I_ was the one who didn't deserve to be with you."

"What?" Bede stops. His heart twists again, but this time it's because he can't believe that Hop would think such a thing, not when he's so bright and full of promise and-

"You're so... together," Hop explains. "And you never really... _liked_ me, back during the Gym Challenge. I was shocked when you kissed me, that first time. I think I still am." He chuckles, weak and soft and it's full of such self-deprecating pain that Bede doesn't know what to say, except that he wants that fear to stop, stop lurking behind the eyes of this man that's been the best thing to happen to him.

So he leans forward, kisses Hop. His arms encircle broad shoulders, comb through dark purple hair. Breathes in the scent of the sunlight and fields, lets the words that have echoed through his heart finally settle in there.

"I love you, Hop. If you're serious about this... I won't let you go."

Hop's smile is far from the bright one he's used to, but it's soft and sweet. His eyes are deep as he cups Bede's cheek, rests his forehead against his own.

"I'm not planning on letting you go either."

And for the first time in his life, Bede believes.


End file.
